So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
