my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
