I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
