dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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