Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
two words: eviction party
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
