sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize