I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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