Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
