just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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