Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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