Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
