I have demons in me.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
