I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
