Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I think im going to throw up on grandma
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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