i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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