I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
