so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
