Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
