Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
