u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
