tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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