It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Houston, we have a blender
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
