I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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