I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
