If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
