So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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