is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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