having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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