Well apparently he's into motor boating.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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