he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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