i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
