seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
