You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
