Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
