Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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