I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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