he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
