She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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