I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
