a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
