we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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