My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
