Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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