She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize