i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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