its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
