As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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