There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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