drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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