its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
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