well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Randomize
