I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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