I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
