I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
