i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
how drunk are you?
Several
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
