I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
