I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
