He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
