Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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