I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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