I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
