I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
