Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
