My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
