I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
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