Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
