The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
